There are bad movies and then there are just BAD movies. Some bad movies can be fun to watch but others are painful to even think about spending your precious time viewing. Many of the movies reviewed on the Badasses, Boobs and Body Counts podcast fall into the fun version of bad movies. This author is going to explore 5 movies that are in no way a fun watch.
JOE DIRT 2: BEAUTIFUL LOSER (2015)
There seems to be an entire genre of straight to video sequels for box office hits and most of them are bad – like really bad. JOE DIRT 2 from Happy Madison Films takes the cake. Let me start by saying I am a fan of David Spade and also enjoyed the original JOE DIRT (2001). Unlike many straight to video sequels, the producers were able to get most of the original cast to return. This movie deals with time travel in a nonsensical plot and parodies FORREST GUMP (1994) with echoes of THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939). The humor falls flat, often representing nothing more than hit-or-miss fart jokes. Every scene with Christopher Walken left me wondering why he would agree to this script. I will admit that whenever he was on screen the movie made a little more sense than any other part of this catastrophe, but that isn’t saying much. JOE DIRT 2 does have the distinction of being able to be called the first digital sequel. It was a project originally pursued by Ultimate Fighting Championship president Dana White and Kid Rock who both offered to back a sequel to JOE DIRT. Ultimately, Sony picked it up for their Crackle streaming platform where you can watch it for free with advertisements that are most likely more entertaining than the film itself. I don’t suggest you to watch it, but you can.
This movie ranks as one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Traci Lords (billed here as Traci Elizabeth Lords) is one of the few actresses who seems to know a good B-movie when it comes across her desk, but this may be the exception to the rule. I say this with a grain of salt because, for the most part, I enjoy her films. Traci Lords stars as secret agent Amanda Foster assigned to transport a mobster to some obscure destination for some reason or something. When I put this movie on I was expecting a disaster film. What I got was a horribly written and even worse acted espionage movie with an earthquake happening late in the third act. The earthquake featured foam bricks falling from a building and people panicking in random ways. Oh yeah, I didn’t even mention the stock footage used from the easily forgettable Eddie Murphy movie METRO (1997) during a car chase scene. I really wish there would have been more to write about the plot but it was really this simple. While watching the movie, I often pondered my own existence and if I have what it takes to make a movie knowing it was going to be a horrible movie. The quick answer is: I don’t have the time to waste on such garbage. Seriously, avoid this film at all costs.
JACK AND JILL (2011)
It is easy to take cheap shots at Adam Sandler films but it should be said that this is his absolute rock bottom worst film. This is also the second Happy Madison production to be mentioned on this list (see JOE DIRT 2). Sandler works overtime playing both titular characters Jack and Jill, identical twins. Al Pacino plays himself as Jill’s obsessed star-crossed lover. Pacino’s participation in this movie made me think it would have a chance. Throughout my life, I have equated Al Pacino with quality cinema like THE GODFATHER films and SCARFACE (1983). He better have gotten paid a huge sum of money that would make me vomit to appear in this Sandler garbage. I literally gave this movie 1 star based completely on his appearance – not performance but appearance. As a fan of cinema, Mr. Pacino you are better than this and your audience deserves much better.
BLOOD FEAST (1963)
I know as I am typing this some of you will see this movie and instantly be angered. You will think to yourself, “This movie doesn’t belong on the same list as JACK AND JILL or JOE DIRT 2 or whatever that EPICENTER movie is.” Here is my reply to any anticipated anger – BLOOD FEAST should probably have been the first movie on this list. It is a horrible movie. Now let me dissect what has made this movie into a cult classic – GORE! That’s it! Ladies and gentlemen, here’s a bit of gore. This was the first movie to show gore at the level that horror fans have come to expect in any R-rated horror movie. Does this make it a good movie? No. This does make it a historically important film, but do not confuse that with a good film. The plot is very loose. A man kills a women to bring back an ancient Egyptian goddess. That is the plot of this film. Did I mention BLOOD FEAST featured gore? Yeah, that is all it has. It also has acting that makes EPICENTER look like Orson Welles’ Academy Award winning classic CITIZEN KANE (1941), so that is something I suppose. There is a 2016 remake that I have yet to see, but I am expecting updated gore effects and the repetition of this horrible plot.
BLONDE AND BLONDER (2008)
I will be honest, I really have no idea how this movie came to my attention and I have no idea why I sat through the entire film. BLONDE AND BLONDER is a movie that stars Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards (editor’s note: those two women are why you watched this movie). They should have been the first warning sign given their track record. However, they have each made movies that were so bad I’ve enjoyed repeat viewing like BARB WIRE (1996) or entertaining to some degree like STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997) and WILD THINGS (1998). This movie has a basic plot that involves two middle-aged women having a dream to be dancers. They apply at a strip club thinking it is a legitimate dancing gig. While at the strip club a mob hitman kills the strip club owner and our heroines think they killed him. Somehow, they get confused that they are the hitman and end up at a posh hotel and casino. They really tried to remake DUMB AND DUMBER (1994) but with aging Hollywood vixens. Every joke falls flat, the acting is horrible, and the storyline is absolutely coma inducing. If you haven’t heard of this movie, don’t seek it out unless you are committed to destroying every copy available on home media. If that is the case, please seek out BLONDE AND BLONDER.
In conclusion, this is a short list of five movies worth avoiding. Some are unknown for a very good reason, some went straight to video, and some saw a horrible box office run and were critically murdered. What are the movies you recommend others steer clear from? Let us know in the comments below!
Contributed by Rich Strahsburg